I feel like my head is going to explode!
So I’ve resorted to writing everything down, because that often helps me to see things more clearly.
A couple of months ago, I touched briefly on the fact that I was supposed to go on an amazing holiday to America but had to pull out as the whole thing felt so overwhelming. I felt relief… but frustration and upset too.
Basically, around this time last year I was rushed into hospital suddenly and found out that I’d suffered multiple pulmonary embolisms (blood clots on the lungs). I was very poorly and the doctors told us it could have been fatal.
This experience made us all appreciate life a little bit more and particularly the need to make the most of every day. While I was still in hospital, my parents booked a holiday to Orlando… lucky me, right?!
Well, sort of. At first, I was so excited! I’ve never been to America and it was just the thing I needed to look forward to.
However, as time passed and the holiday drew closer, excitement became overshadowed by worry and dread: anxiety has a way of ruining things like that.
As my parents booked more exciting things for the holiday – trips to Miami, Disney World tickets etc. – my anxiety just grew and grew. The whole thing became smothered by a dark cloud and instead of looking forward, I began to ponder all the things that may go wrong.
Eventually, I started to feel constantly worried and any mention of the holiday would send me into a spin. I came to the decision that as much as I wished I could go, I just wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I felt like it would actually be detrimental to my mental health in the end and just too overwhelming.
It sucks, I know.
I told my parents and they were very understanding. They managed to sell my Disney pass but told me my plane ticket and hotel would still be there, if I changed my mind.
As time has passed, I’d accepted the fact it wasn’t meant to be and tried not to dwell on it all too much.
However, it’s now the week that I’m supposed to go and I can’t think about anything else. I’m even dreaming about it!
I’ve spent all weekend moaning about it to my boyfriend and he eventually said to me – ‘just bloody go then!’
Although it would be last minute and a rush, I’m really starting to think ‘f*ck it.’ Life’s too short. Why should I miss out because of my irrational mind?
My boyfriend, bless him, has spent all day researching things that will reassure me (where all the toilets are in the parks, for example).
It’s actually still possible for me to go and now I’m feeling that although the worry is still there, the more prominent feeling is the disappointment I’ll have if I don’t.
I’m just so irritated! Why am I so indecisive? Why is it so complicated? Why couldn’t I have just agreed to go and being excited like a ‘normal’ person all along? Why is anxiety SO ANNOYING?
I don’t actually know what I’m going to do but I just thought I’d gather my thoughts. I suppose, this is a perfect example of how anxiety can over-complicate things and make even the happiest occasions a real pain!
To go, or not to go. That is the question.